Swine flu. Run for my life!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
