if you like me you must not know who I am
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
