I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
