I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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