Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
