If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
