I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
