I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
