I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
50% drunk capacity currently
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
