Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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