This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
