Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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