I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
