i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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