I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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