What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
