GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
