Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
