Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
