Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
