I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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