I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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