When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
