I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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