Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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