Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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