I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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