we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
