shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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