Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
