hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I think my moral compass just broke
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