standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
