So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
