Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I did not marry a roomba.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
