On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
