what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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