you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
