My sheets look like a crime scene.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
