I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
