I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
