i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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