Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
