Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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