the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
