Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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