K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
