had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
