I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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