allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
