her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
