4 words: hood of his car
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Every concussion has its silver lining
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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