Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
