on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
